they both made bein' queer seem so great at first, then they turn around and say it's no damn good and kill everybody off. Big, bad sin ... they said those guys got to be punished. That's the way it hit me an' I knew that in real life anybody I talked to about 'em said queers were lousy and nuts and that it was a bad thing. . . so I didn't know what to think . . . I felt ashamed. Some queer guys try to pick me up but they're like lizards. . . I don't want to mess with them. So I get to thinkin'. . . bein' queer is no good. . . people hate you, they beat you up . . . they write crummy jokes about you on bathroom walls. No queers are happy bein' queer is nowhere. Besides . . . it's wrong. "But I AM queer and I know it, an' I still want what I see . . and . . . I

feel ashamed about THAT.

"But I see this guy in a cafeteria down town one night . . . and he's about my age... manly . . . and . . . I can't stand it. I follow him out but I don't know what to say when I go up to him . . . so I start talkin' about a movie I saw... casual . . . and he looks at me with funny eyes. . . Cloud 9 only I didn't know it then . . . an' he's real friendly. We hit a dark side street an' I'm excited as hell. I talk real fast an' I'm hopin', prayin' so I tell him. And dammit... he shoves me back an' calls me every four-letter word he knows an' pulls a switch-blade on me... he's the one I was tellin' you about. He cut my arm an' he was comin' in for the kill but I kicked out and he doubled up... I shouldn'ta kicked him there I know. . . but it wasn't serious.. and there wasn't much else I could do

"LOOK, man . . .

...

"Shut up! Will you SHUT UP! Don't interrupt me. Just . . . just listen. Well... so after that I went home. . . and I knew I'd better not try anything like that again. I felt lousy . . . I cried . . . and I really did want to knock myself off. What I wanted was wrong . . . .. I could get killed for it. . . I couldn't get it . . . so why go on living.

"I went to school, I kept on working . . . but I didn't feel any satisfaction in it. . . I tried going for the girls, but it just didn't seem natural for me it didn't seem like it was me. So I gave it up . . . I still saw guys I wanted to know . . . at school and around . . . but I knew it was stupid to think of them. I went around in a black cloud . . . till..

"One day . . . a new guy came to work in the shipping department . . . was a damn good-looking guy . . . young, in his first year of college. I couldn't help looking at him whenever I saw him. He was something . . . and nothing girly about him either . . . only there was something . . . sensitive about him, something that made him in a class just by himself.

"I had to talk to him. I knew he might kill me but I had to take the chance. After work I saw him at the bus stop . . I ... went up to him. He turned and looked at me . . . and I saw something in him and he saw it in me too. And I talked to him . . . and I . . . wasn't afraid to. We had coffee in a little onearm joint after we got off the bus, and I knew then that it was all right.

and

"Damn, we were happy. He taught me that it didn't have to be tragedy that two guys who felt towards each other as we did didn't have to bump themselves off. I told him that I never thought I could get the one I wanted .. he looked at me and smiled and he said, You can if you look long enough.' I knew it was true . . .

"He had his own little apartment on the west side. I used to spend weekends with him. We went to movies, a coupla plays, even a few concerts . . . he taught me not to be afraid of good music. I was gonna move in with him, then Mister Whiskers sent him his draft notice. He didn't want to go but well... they pulled him in and he didn't say anything about his being queer, because he said that didn't have a damn thing to do with a guy bein' a good soldier.

"So he's been gone a year now . . . and he writes me every week. He says he's found some army buddies, but that it hasn't changed his feeling for me. He says with us there's something lasting, real . . . more than just sex. Well, sure. . . maybe it sounds like a snow job . . . but the more I've kicked it around the more I've known it isn't. I know him . . . he wouldn't con me ..